Dara's Blog
One Night in Wilmington
by Dara Goldberg on 03/04/24
When I told a few people I was going away this weekend the
first thing they ask is “where are you going?”
My short and sweet answer is Wilmington Delaware. Don’t get me wrong, Wilmington seems like a
nice enough city (although we couldn’t really figure out the vibe, but I’m
willing to blame this on the snowy January day) but that wasn’t the point of
this trip. My friends from college and I
were so desperate to see each other in the short 24 time span we had;
Wilmington was the place between us all geographically. I write all this to
speak how challenging it seems to be for three women to get away from our respective
homes for one night. These two women are
some of the most important people in my world, I want to prioritize them.
A few
months earlier my husband took a trip to Las Vegas with some friends. They booked flights, booked a hotel, gave me
plenty of notice and went. He made it look easy. He deserves to get away and
have fun. I say this to note the
difference that these experiences of enjoying time with friends without your
children seems to be incredibly difficult for women. Sometimes there are valid reasons and
sometimes, women take so much owner ship of their families lives and schedules,
the idea of booking a plane ticket feels overwhelming, anxiety producing and
for some close to impossible. Noting
this is just my personal experience and not claiming it to necessarily be a
universal one.
I write
this as a woman in my forties, fortunate enough to have the means to travel,
fortunate enough to have a supportive husband, and fortunately enough to be
able to take a few days away from my family and spend them with my extended
family, my girlfriends. All these
factors considered, I ask myself, why does it seem so challenging for women to
create space for themselves, their friendship, their physical health, and their
mental health? What is the message we
tell ourselves that get in our own heads that we “shouldn’t” prioritize these
experiences or that our family will literally fall apart without us.
In my
professional life, I am a social worker and spend a lot of time talking with
women, especially mothers about the “shoulds” in their life. I ask them to challenge this word. What is driving the “should”? Is it guilt, obligation, pressure from within
or others, a need, a want, or something else entirely. This is not a new concept that women are
often inundated with the idea of being the “perfect wife/mother/ woman.” We are inundated with messages from other families
and especially social media. There is a
lot of unrealistic pressure seeing “perfect” families online or even talking to
people. It all gets internalized and
often leads women feeling that they are not enough. I love using the term with my clients “good
enough parenting.” This is a
concept by Dr. Donald Winicott, pediatrician, and psychoanalyst, who coined the Good Enough
Mother. This is an approach to parenting that involves being
sensitive, responsive, and adaptive to our children’s needs and developmental
abilities. It
stands in direct contrast to the perfect parent, recognizing
that you can’t be everything all the time and that’s
more than OK. I work to embrace this idea in most areas of
my life and I find the letting go of perfections gives me a lot more room to
breathe and feel good about myself.
What
could be the benefits if we believed ourselves when we said we can leave. I use the term leave loosely. Leave do not necessarily mean days away, it
could be just getting a cup of coffee alone for a few hours. Our children will
be fine with out us (they may struggle and bit and then even thrive) and the
whole existence of our home won’t actually fall apart if we, the mom, go away
for a few hours or days? On the flip
side, what is the benefit if we give ourselves real time for us and nurturing
outside relationship without guilt?
Would we come back refreshed, more rejuvenated, more engaged, less
exhausted.
We did
have a wonderful 24 hours in Wilmington just sitting in a hotel room in pj’s,
doing our nails, catching up and being silly. For 24 hours my biggest job was
to just take care of me. Thank you Wilmington!
